Winter's Shadow
by liwanag
Summary: All I have ever known of winter is suffering. It is when the pain comes. It is when the memories return. [one-shot kenshin pov]


Disclaimer:   
The Rurouni Kenshin characters are a product of Watsuki-sensei's fickle imagination. I'm merely borrowing.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Winter's Shadow**  
by liwanag   
  
  
  
No matter how softly it falls, no matter how gentle the winds may be, the first snowflake never fails to awaken me. I have always dreaded winter. The season has never been kind to my soul. All I have ever known of winter is suffering. It is when the pain comes. It is when the memories return, together with the scent...   
  
The too-familiar scent of blood...   
  
...Mingling with the fragrance of white plums.   
  
This winter was no different from those of the past ten years. Here I am, in yet another room, in yet another place, a place that I cannot and will not call home. I haven't had a home for as long as I can remember.   
  
I sit up, letting the covers fall to my waist. I stare blankly into the room for a few moments, then stand. I do not bother to light the lamp. I will not be long.   
  
After folding and putting the futon away, I discard my sleeping robe, and put on my well-worn gi and hakama. A small smirk colors my usually expressionless face as I realize that there is a hole in one of the sleeves of my gi. Maybe I should get myself a new one. It wouldn't hurt to indulge myself once in a while.   
  
I leave a small amount of money on the futon; it should be enough to pay for the one night I've stayed here. I tuck my sakabatou into my hakama, then gather what little belongings I have. I slide the shoji open, and step out into the corridor. It's snowing.   
  
It's time to move on.   
  
  
*****  
  
  
My feet dig into the snow, sinking deeper with every step I take. I can barely see; the layer of blood covering my face is thick. The wind around me is cold, but i do not feel the frost. I must go on. I must fight. For her happiness. Our happiness. I promised I would protect her, and I will, no matter what.   
  
I come up to what seems to be a small shack in the middle of the forest. The retreating back of a long-haired, muscled man greets me. I breathe heavily; drops of blood, mixing with my sweat, drip from my body and stain the snow scarlet. The man turns around, shocked to see that I am there.   
  
He charges, I fail to dodge his blow. I feel my spine crack, and hit the ground. I have lost nearly all my bodily senses; I am too wounded and worn out. I cannot see, nor hear. Even my intuition is useless.   
  
He leers over me, ready to strike once more. "You don't have a chance of beating me."   
  
But I will not give up.   
  
I swing, and slice him across the chest. The damage is close to none. I swing again, desperately trying to land more blows. He doges all my movements, and kicks me hard. It takes most of my scarce strength to keep from falling. I thrust in his direction, but he evades my sword.   
  
He knows that I have lost much blood, and that my life is dwindling right before me. I cannot kill him, and survive. Although...   
  
If I put everything into the last blow and sacrifice myself, maybe, just maybe, I might be able to kill him.   
  
_Sumanai, Tomoe..._  
  
He rushes to meet me as I charge, raising my sword, preparing for that one final blow. Bringing my sword down, I feel it cut through...   
  
This scent... this is...   
  
White plum.   
  
Tomoe... _Tomoe!!!_  
  
  
*****  
  
  
I awake with a jolt, panting slightly. Raising a hand to my face, I feel the droplets of sweat dotting my forehead. I sigh, relieved that it was just a dream, and yet disappointed...   
  
The dream still haunts me. I fear it will never cease to.   
  
Tomoe... is this your way of reminding me of my promise? Have I not atoned for my past enough?   
  
I calm myself by taking long, deep breaths. Somehow, I find the darkness of the room strangely comforting. The smell of blood is not as strong this time. Perhaps it is because I am _here_?   
  
This place, this dojo, with all its nuances and attributes, has become my home. Its inhabitants, however... _unique_ they may be, have become my family. This arrangement had been formally accepted only after we came back from Kyoto, but I know otherwise. This has been my home ever since a certain spirited shihondai challenged me in the streets.   
  
A hint of movement catches my eye. _Her_ figure casts a slight shadow on the shoji as she walks by. Why is she awake at this hour? Could she possibly have known that I had a bad dream? I smile at the prospect.   
  
I get out of bed. Maybe even a few minutes in her company will help me soothe the nerves that remain shaken by the dream.   
  
Sliding the doorframe open, I step into the corridor. I move slowly, as not to startle her. She does not sense my presence. She merely continues to gaze at the night sky, which is scattered with stars. The moon is nearly full, and it gives of a beautiful light.   
  
"Suteki..." she says, pertaining to the dark canopy of sparkles.   
  
"Sou de gozaru na."   
  
I feel her get startled. She turns her head in my direction, and gazes at my for a brief moment. Even in the darkness, and even just for that fleeting instance, I feel the intensity of Her eyes. An endless depth of blue.   
  
"K-Kenshin! A-ano... what are you doing here? Did I wake you?"   
  
I let out a small chuckle. "That's what I'm supposed to say."   
  
The moonlight fails to hide her blush, unbeknownst to her. I smile. But my smile fades away as a realization comes to mind. Why had the dream come now? I have already found the peace I've fought for, the peace I've searched for ten years. I have found my reason for living.   
  
My attention turns to the yard of the dojo. The trees were bare, their leaves having long left them, a clear indication that autumn was over. And that winter was soon to arrive.   
  
I don't want to leave.   
  
"Doushita no, Kenshin? Daijoubu ka?" Her voice ended my trail of thought.   
  
"Iya, nan demo nai. Daijoubu de gozaru."   
  
I have always been a good actor; hiding my true emotions has never been a difficult task. Whatever expression appeared on my face was always sufficient to mask whatever truth lay behind it.   
  
But she sees right through me. I have just given her one of my reassuring smiles, and yet she only glances at me in response, and slightly raises her eyebrow. She directs her attention back to the moon and stars.   
  
"Mou." She says with light exasperation. "Don't give me that smile, Kenshin. Just now, there was a bit of sadness in your eyes. What's wrong?"   
  
She looks at me, her eyes pleading. _Please. Trust me._ I return her gaze with equal emotion. If there is anyone I trust, it is you.   
  
I avert my gaze from her, only to remove myself from my current position, and sit next to her on the steps.   
  
"Winter is almost here." I say.   
  
She glances sidelong at me, her head inclined.   
  
"So it is." She replies. She looks around at the yard, and then turns back to me. "But what has that got to do with it?"   
  
"Everything."   
  
"Everything?"   
  
She furrows her brow. She is confused, yet concerned. Her expression urges me to continue, and explain what I mean. She is easy to read. I smile mentally. Taking a small breath, I tell her.   
  
"Winter has been a time of suffering for me. Ever since I started wandering, I have never known a peaceful winter. Each year, when winter would come, I would always leave whatever place I was in, to continue roaming the country. Winter reminds of what I have sworn to do... atoning for those lives that I had taken during the Bakumatsu. Bearing pain, for the pain I have caused others."   
  
I turn to face her, expecting to see worry or light fear reflected on her face. I know very well that one of her greatest fears is that I will leave again.   
  
As I look at her, I see none of those emotions projected on her features. Then she smiles, but her smile has a trace of sadness. She stares at her lap for a few moments, then raises her face to mine. A few seconds pass, and then she makes a move to stand. "You should try to get more rest. I should, too." She stretches her arms, and starts to walk back to her room.  
  
I continue to stare straight ahead. My expression is blank, but inside I am hurt. It's almost as if she didn't heard a word that I had said.   
  
I stand. "Aa," I reply, "Oyasumi, Kaoru-dono."   
  
She stops halfway, and turns to me.   
  
"Ne, Kenshin?"   
  
"Hai?"   
  
"Whatever happens, I will always be here."   
  
I watch her back, and see her disappear behind the shoji.   
  
_But will you forgive me if, one morning, you wake, and find me gone?_   
  
  
*****  
  
  
Two days pass quietly. The dream had not failed to haunt me. As did the scent of blood and white plums.   
  
On the third day after that night, I awake as a light chill sweeps through my room. The sun is already high up. How many hours had it been since dawn, I wonder? I never wake past a few minutes after dawn.   
  
I arrange and out away my futon, then dress to ready myself for the day's round of chores. I put on a little more clothing, since the temperature is significantly lower than usual.   
  
I tuck my sakabatou into my hakama, and slide the shoji open. My eyes widen in shock.   
  
The yard is covered with a fresh layer of snow. The first fall of snow.   
  
Why hadn't I awakened?   
  
As a storm of thoughts cloud my mind, the sound of another door sliding open snaps me out of my reverie.   
  
Kaoru steps out of her room, dressed in her training clothes. Her groggy expression transforms into a brilliant smile as she notices the frosted, white-washed yard.   
  
It doesn't take long before she notices my presence. She turns to me, her smile remaining as resplendent as ever. To others, she may appear disheveled in her state - having just risen from sleep. To me she is beautiful.   
  
"Ohayou, Kenshin."   
  
I return her smile. "Ohayou, Kaoru-dono."   
  
"I didn't realize it was snowing until now! No wonder it was chilly. Anyway, I'm off to the dojo to train a while. You're making breakfast, ne?" Her smile never faltered.  
  
"Aa." I reply. I watch her make her way to the dojo. She stops somewhere along the way, and picks up a small handful of snow, feeling it, almost as if she was making sure that it was real. The action mesmerizes me.   
  
Just then I hear the distinct snap of the closing shoji, and find Yahiko, still shaking his sleepiness off. He spots Kaoru, who is in the yard, holding a snowball, with a mischievous glint in her eye.   
  
"Oi busu, what are you gonna do with that thing? Throw it at me?"   
  
Kaoru smirked, and did just that.   
  
I watch the two get into a snowball fight. After a few moments I shake my head in amusement, and make my way to the kitchen. They will want their breakfast when that fight ends.   
  
It is then that I realize.   
  
The dream had not come last night. The scent of blood had completely gone. All that remained was the scent of white plums.   
  
But even that was faint, and continued to fade away.   
  
Tomoe... is this what you have been trying to tell me? That I have kept, and maybe even fulfilled my promise to you?   
  
A light breeze passes, scented with Kaoru's perfume.   
  
I stop, and turn to glance at her and Yahiko, still in the fight, but this time laughing profusely. As they tumble onto the snow, Kaoru looks up, and our eyes meet. She smiles, and I return it with one of my own.   
  
There is no need to dread winter anymore.   
  
_Tadaima._   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Japanese terms:  
  
1.gi - traditional shirt worn by japanese men. kenshin's is pink. ^^  
2.hakama - traditional japanese pleated pants. samurai pants.  
3.sakabatou - kenshin's reversed-edge sword  
4.shoji - traditional japanese translucent sliding doors  
5.sumanai - 'I'm sorry' [informal]  
6.suteki - wonderful; beautiful  
7.doushita no? - 'what's wrong?'  
8.daijoubu ka? - 'are you all right?'  
9.daijoubu [de gozaru]. - 'i'm fine.' adding 'de gozaru' makes the statement more polite.  
10.Iya, nan demo nai - 'no, it's nothing.'  
11.Oyasumi - good night  
12.Ohayou - good morning  
13.busu - hag. Yahiko teases Kaoru alot by saying this, resulting in a very violent reaction from her. ^^  
14.Tadaima – 'I'm home'  
  
  
  
Author's notes:  
  
Although this was not my attempt at a fic, it certainly felt that way when I wrote it ^^; This fic, however, is my very first first person pov fic, and the first RK fic that I actually finished. ^^;; The last 1/3 of it was written somewhat late at night, so it may be a bit weird-ish. I also hope the time settings didn't seem to vague. Constructive criticism is highly appreciated. ^^ thanks for reading! ^_^ 

~liwanag  
13 jul 2002 


End file.
